(Spoilers ahoy if you haven't seen all of the show. Also, I may have used the word "retarded" a few too many times. I apologize in advance.)

1. They killed Elaine. Spontaneously too. Just started getting to know her and BAM she's on the floor of the morgue.

2. They killed Devan. Again spontaneously. A cryptic scene at the beginning of the episode and suddenly her bones got vaporized in a plane crash. Uhhhh?

3. They killed Lu. A little less spontaneous, I guess. Still retarded.

4. Season 3. wtf. Okay, thanks to Wikipedia I see that I was correct. Jill Hennessy was pregnant. So a lot of it makes sense. But unfortunately they showed the episodes all out of order and in a generally retarded manner. Sticking the resolution to season 2 at the end of season 3 was... what's the word? Oh right, retarded.

5. Season 6. First of all, what's up with 17 episodes? Why in the world would they only have 17 episodes in a season, regardless of whether it was going to be cancelled or not? At least the 13 episodes of season 3 makes sense. Second of all, Lily. I get that Kathryn Hahn was pregnant, but hiding her pregnancy and then suddenly writing it in was bizarre. And maternity leave sucks. :P Although she apparently was pregnant at the same time that we lost Megan on Numb3rs and Lindsay on NY. wtf is in the water these actresses are drinking...! (don't answer that)

6. Jerry O'Connell and the opening credits. Why wasn't he there until season 4? He was in more episodes than several of the people who were in the opening credits... >.>

7. Peter disappeared. One day he was there, one day he wasn't. Although there was an episode later where Nigel told Bug that he'd gotten... ah, Wikipedia to the rescue again. They mentioned him in season 5 or 6 or something so I guess he didn't cease to exist, just became invisible.

8. Lily kept leaving but never actually left. I was thinking she left three times but now can only come up with two. My brain is fried. Anyway, she left at the end of season 1 because she had to take care of her mother but then she apparently doesn't need to take care of her mother anymore. And when her mother does show up, she doesn't look like she needs taking care of. So that was a little random. Oh, and then didn't she leave at the end of season 5? Somewhere around the engagement nonsense. I can't remember specifically. But then she definitely left in season 6, was all like "I can't be around death!" but then later on someone had Jordan talk to a family or... something, because "Lily's not here" which implied that if she was there, she would have done it... Anyway. It was all crazy.

Ship time!

9. Garret and Lily. Crazy awesome. End of season 2... crazy CRAZY awesome. Beginning of season 3 (the real beginning, ie the cliffhanger resolution)... retarded. He's all "it didn't mean anything" and she's all "whatever" and then the timeline after that is hard to keep track of, but it seemed like Lily was interested when Garret broke up with Renee (which he apparently didn't actually do, but that's another matter) and then Garret seemed jealous/protective when Matt was going after Lily... and then Lily's mom got killed and she seemed kind of attached to Garret again... and then... uhhhh... nothing. >.< RETARDED. Stupid show KILLED MY SHIP. Jerks.

10. Garret and Maggie. Retarded. I'm crazy biased here anyway because she's the reason that my ship was brought down originally, but overall someone probably should have slapped Garret and told him he was an idiot. It's kind of funny that they seemed to get along mostly fine for the second half of season 1, but every time she showed up after that they seemed to have at least a vague interest in killing one another. The "I might be pregnant!" thing freaked me out though.

11. Garret and Renee. Actually, putting my bias aside for a moment... this wasn't too bad. Kind of like Lily and Matt. I could have dealt with it, I guess. Although there were still times where I was having trouble believing he'd be willing to be in the same room as her, much less continue a relationship with her. And then they broke up somewhere in season 3, and then season 4 starts and they're not broken up but she won't talk to him, and then she shows up pregnant (and I have a heart attack) but luckily it's not his and that is the end.

12. Lily and Bug. See above. Thus I'm biased. Buuuut... wow, they were like a revolving door. Bug was all "Let's date! Oh you don't want to oh okay that's cool. Remember forever ago when I said it was cool... well it wasn't! No nevermind it's cool again I totally don't like you anymore." After that I started to lose track. But Lily was consistently turning him down until he made the speech at her wedding thingy and suddenly she's madly in love with him. Noooooo. I think even if I had wanted to ship them, I would have been rather annoyed anyway... they got together at the end and yet you don't see them together in any way, shape, or form. No kissing. No actually existing together in the same living space. Nothing. I guess if the show had continued maybe they would have done some of that, but... it didn't, so...

13. Lily and Matt. I'm still biased. But I would have liked this over either Bug or Jeffrey. Maybe because since he was kind of a jerk, it would have been easy enough for me to justify various plots to get her back together with my boy Garret. That, and Matt's hot/adorable. If I try to be less biased, I could say that really her relationship with Matt wasn't any worse than with Garret, based on the disappointment ups and downs. And at least everyone already expected Matt to be a jerk. So if I wasn't already madly in love with Garret/Lily, I probably would have gone with this one. I guess. It's hard to tell. Did I mention Matt's adorable?

14. Lily and Jeffrey. omg retarded, lol. I have to admit that finding out they're married in real life made it a lot easier to watch, but overall, he was a wuss and I think the things he did that pissed off Lily were probably more offensive to her than the things Garret or Matt did. And yet she didn't ditch him. Retarded. Also, she was all "people who propose marriage deserve an answer, and he asked me so I said yes" which had "this is a mistake" written all over it. I would guess their relationship would have stopped being retarded if there hadn't been the whole pregnancy thing, since that was the primary reason for him being on the show at all in season 6. I certainly didn't want the two of them together, but her being all "I want custody!" seemed kind of harsh. Ugh.

15. Jordan and Tyler. Ed Quinn is hot so that helped. And he spent a lot of time without his shirt on. And trying to annoy Jordan. All points in his favor. But I think his character and their relationship was set up to not be long-term so it's probably best that it worked out like it did. But he was totally hot hanging out in her apartment with no shirt.

16. Jordan and Annoying DA Guy. Yes, that is his official name. The whole "let's have sex with no names!" thing was retarded. And then he was all mean to her and that was retarded. And then he showed up again and that alone was retarded. I don't remember anything else. I just remember the whole thing was retarded. And he wasn't as hot as he thought he was. :P

17. Jordan and Woody. They kind of grew on me. I think I might have been more for it if he'd been there at the beginning (instead of barely being in season 1) and if I hadn't already watched him with Sam on Las Vegas. But I have to admit I didn't mind them kissing out in the desert. And after the shock wore off I might have been secretly happy that she cheated on the loser J.D. with him. But there was no satisfying conclusion after that. It got all bizarre and then I guess it's good that she told him she loved him at the end, but... eh.

17b. Jordan and Danny. I knew I forgot one! -.- I had fairly definitive ship ideas in regards to Danny on LV so I had pretty much dismissed them before I even started watching CJ. So not retarded, but kind of eh for me.

18. Jordan and J.D. Uhhhhh... retarded. My favorite word! I actually thought he would turn out to be a killer at one point. I forget which episode it was though. Oh, the one with the prison girl. But overall she seemed to be using him to avoid Woody and then she slept with Woody but then tried to still date J.D. and he was all "you ho!" (those were his words exactly) and then she was all "My friend Lily is getting married to The Wrong Man, want to come?" and he was all like "No!" and then he showed up anyway and she stabbed him. Errr... shot him. I know he ended up dead. But on the upside, Jordan being accused of murder made Lily not get married, so... I guess he served a useful purpose.

19. Woody and Sam. The timeline is so screwed. >.< Okay so the first crossover... he and Jordan aren't currently doing anything so the fact that he kisses Sam isn't that big a deal. The second crossover he's barely even speaking to Jordan, so them getting together still isn't that bad. But then we have the two Las Vegas episodes outside of the crossover scene... where Woody is supposedly dating / sleeping with Lu but runs off to Vegas to spend his vacation with Sam? And then tries to go to Delinda's wedding with Sam? There's nowhere at the end of season 5 where any of that would fit. And it can't fit between the two seasons because of the whole wedding / murder cliffhanger. But then it goes back to okay since Sam isn't even in the CJ half of the last crossover, and I seem to recall Woody being mad at her for most of the LV half. Or at least hooking her up to a lie detector machine and being more interested in playing with the machine than her answers. However! I actually kind of liked Woody/Sam. Except that I knew that Woody was supposed to be with Jordan, and I had my own Sam ship issues at the time... But aside from that.

20. Woody and Lu. Actually I was moderately okay with this too. I dunno. Maybe I'm just moderately okay with Woody dating anyone. But then they broke up because she was all "Jordan is a killer!" and Woody was all "I love Jordan!" and Lu was all "...! Wait, what?" and then Woody was like "I mean... Jordan is not a killer and I can't date you anymore!" Yeah. Something like that. And then she got killed senselessly because the show loves killing people. I swear, I sat through the finale going "If you kill Garret, I will never forgive you!" but they didn't so I didn't have to either forgive or not. Anyway.

21. Nigel and Kate. I am so very easy. >.> I don't usually go for ships unless the show practically hits me over the head with the fact one of them likes the other, or that the show is planning on getting them together at some point, or whatever. Usually. But I think this one actually occured to me before any of that. Thus, I am awesome. And a dork. Nigel needs a girl. >.>

</ship-time>

22. WTF the ending! Well, not the ending. WTF NBC! Idiots! And then they turn around a year later and do the same crap to Las Vegas. Idiots! But yeah... the ending. Even though something horrible usually happened, I liked most of the mass fatality episodes. Well, and the snowed in / power out episode from season 2. Which I guess doesn't really fit. But it's the same kind of feeling to the episode. Anyway. So them crashing a plane while trying to figure out why a bunch of dudes die is an okay plot with me. The fact that it was supposed to be a two-part episode actually makes it somewhat better. Well, if we'd GOTTEN the second half. If we hadn't, that would have massively sucked. They threatened to kill Garret (boo!) but didn't (yay!). They also threatened to kill Kate... which actually hadn't occured to me until she wasn't in her seat. And then I was like "wait, what? No you can't do that!" but they didn't (yay!). It was kind of bizarre though. I'd already considered that maybe they all died (that would have been funny) or various people could have died (that would have sucked, but I was already ranking the order of which ones would have sent me into a homicidal rage, ie Garret :P) but somehow the new girl missed getting considered. That's what she gets for being new.

Okay, I think I've finally run out of steam. A large portion of this was written at about 6 in the morning directly after I finished the last episode. And then I collapsed. Also I rearranged some of the paragraphs after I wrote them, so hopefully that didn't aversely affect, well... anything.

Also, I <3 Garret.

Edit: My calendar/archive doesn't think I've posted anything today...? Uh? Nevermind, after about 10 edits (or maybe just time passing) it has now figured out that this post exists.

Edit edit: Why did I use the word "ahoy" there? Is there any usage that makes that in any way correct? >.> I think it's maybe supposed to be like "land ho" except "spoilers ho" sounds more like an insult. Like "It's April, fool!" "Spoilers, ho!" If it was singular you could do the ever popular:
"Land ho!"
"What did you just call me?"
However, I am not a spoiler ho. I am, in fact, the opposite. I hope that clears everything up.

Edit edit edit: Dangit! Curse you, 17b.